I recently had a client complain that she often has a very difficult time quieting all the noise in her mind, and being able to focus on pleasure. Even during pleasurable moments, she’s got the hamster wheel going – how much laundry is left? Did I finish the report for work? What’s on the agenda for tomorrow? What about that one thing that I might have forgotten?
Sound familiar? We all have stress in our lives. It can definitely derail us from even wanting to want to be sexual with ourselves or our partners.
I have two strategies – one passive and one active.
Passive first – this is about quieting down and settling in. It’s meditation, really, although it can take many forms. Find a place where you can be alone for 5 or 10 minutes. Sit up comfortably, and take a few deep breaths. When your breathing returns to normal, then settle in more. Ask yourself, how’s my mind? How’s my heart? How’s my body? What am I thinking, feeling, holding? How’s my neck and my jaw? Are my shoulders relaxed? Am I clenching my hands? Then take another breath, and try to relax and release more.
Meditating in this way will train your brain to consider how you are actually doing in the moment, not just reacting and flying from one thing to the next. If you get really good at it, you’ll be able to relax easier and react less intensely to stress.
Now for the active strategy – this is about actually giving your brain something else to do during the pleasurable moment when you are distracted. Any small kinky thing will help free your mind in this way. Here are a few good examples: holding a wooden spoon in your teeth, wearing a blindfold, getting pinched, spanked or flogged. The use of something new will make your brain say, “What’s this? This is interesting, and distracting! It’s a bit uncomfortable, and yet it’s making me focus on it a lot! I’m having conflicting reactions!” And so on. This will help you focus what is actually happening in your body in a very intense way.
If you should try either of these strategies out with a partner, please discuss them beforehand and try to come to an agreement about boundaries and limits. Consent is the sexiest.