One of my clients was bemoaning the current state of affairs, saying that all the fun has been drained out of sex. Negotiating consent sounds boring, tedious, and it takes the spontaneity right out of it, they said.
This might be true for some people, but for others, it’s simply false.
When HIV became a threat, people were forced to change their behavior in order to be safer. Condoms and dental dams were talked about, given out, and health providers encouraged their use.
Well, this is similar. Consent will now be talked about more and everyone should become literate in how to understand it. People will change their behavior again in order to be safer. We're not talking about avoiding illness, we're talking about avoiding humiliation. damage to relationships, and loss of employment.
There’s been a lot of talk lately about people in power not getting consent and harassing people. I’d like to focus today on how to incorporate consent in a sexy and fun way. Consent is understanding when someone is telling you “No,” but it’s also about understanding when someone is telling you “Yes.”
How can folks do this? Here are a few ideas:
1. Talk about it before it’s happening in a creative way. Let’s say you’re on a first or second or 98th date with someone you find attractive. You’re sitting across from each other and the mood is flirty and fun, and you think to yourself, “I want to kiss them.” Then you can TELL THEM: “I really would like to kiss you right now.” Their reaction will help you understand whether or not they are into that idea. If they respond by kissing you, or grinning and saying, “Oh really?” or showing interest in some other way, then you’re on your way. If they recoil with a look of uncertainty, then you can assume that they are not into it.
2. Text about it. If you think that your hookup might happen, and you’re not sure, you can text or sext them. “Hey, I’m thinking about the last time we met up,” or “I miss touching you,” or “I want to touch you again” all show interest and are up-front about intentions.
3. In the moment it is possible to incorporate consent into foreplay. I know that some people will say that they’re not good with words, or they’re not really into verbal, but this is where the learning happens. It’s important to make changes when there’s a lot at stake. And who doesn’t enjoy the feeling of being wanted by a partner? So: ask if they want your kiss, your touch, your skin. If you are getting into it with your potential sex buddy, and murmuring these things in their ear, it will be hot. Here are some examples:
“Do you like it when I do that?”
“How much do you want it?”
“It feels good when you do that thing, would you do that?”
“Can I take your shirt off?”
“Would you take my shirt off?”
“Is it ok if I touch you there?”
“Does that feel good? Should we change it?”
“I want to feel your mouth on me – would you please lick/suck/kiss me?”
“Can we try something else? Like this?”
“Tell me what you want.”
“Give me more.”
Do you see that some of these are asking to take and some are asking to receive? Consent that is freely given and encouraged – the enthusiastic yes - is what we’re all going for here.
And, you should look to their reactions! Are they looking bored? Like they want to get out of there? Not into it? Then stop and take a breather. Partnered sex is about mutuality. If it’s not mutual, then something’s not right. Tailor your actions to your partner’s response. Be attuned.
This will feel weird to folks who are not into talking that much, but just like learning any new skill, it will become easier with practice and time. And I believe that this skill is now essential in order to improve our culture.
I predict that in a few years, more and more people will become experts in talking dirty in order to understand our partners better.